ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
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She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
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Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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