dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
