i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
