I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
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I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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