Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
