I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
