you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
