I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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