did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
