So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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