Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
