I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Four minutes until I can fart!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
