I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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