Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
