i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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