my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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