so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.