we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.