All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?