Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic