I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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