Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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