What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
