Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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