dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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