I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
