Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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