dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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