Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
