So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
