Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Randomize
