i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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