girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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