he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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