Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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