Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
it glows. i had to have it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
