my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I skipped work to stalk him.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
