ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
