You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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