Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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