Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
