My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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