she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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