why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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