I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
