that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
