I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
