Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
