So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize