The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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