He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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