Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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