Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
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Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
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Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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