you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
