come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
