Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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