Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
These 23 Groupies Had The Most Insane Sexual Experiences With Celebs
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
35 Of The Funniest Things People Said While Banging
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.