Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion