some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.