When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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