I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
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Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
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I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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