the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Is that strawberry winking at me??
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize